|
|
How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? Cut the rope!
How do you save a drowning lawyer? Take your foot off his head!
What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer? A tick falls
off you when you die!
What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should? Stick his
bill up his ass!
What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their necks in
sand? Not enough sand!
Why don't lawyers go to the beach? Cats keep trying to bury them!
Why don't sharks eat lawyers? Professional courtesy!
What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar
association convention? The caterer!
What do lawyers and sperm have in common? One in 3 million have a
chance of becoming a human being!
How was copper wire invented? Two lawyers were arguing over a
penny!
Why do they bury lawyers under 20 feet of dirt? Because deep down
they're really good people!
How can you tell when a lawyer id lying? Their lips are moving!
What do you call a lawyer that doesn't chase ambulances? Retired!
What's the difference between a dead dog on the road and a dead
lawyer on the road? There are skid marks in front of the dog!
How many lawyer jokes are there? Only three. The rest are true
stories.
Why are lawyers like enemas? You hate them until you need one,
then you still hate them.
What is a criminal lawyer? Redundant.
What's the difference between God and a lawyer? God doesn't think
he's a lawyer.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline? You take
off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!
How many lawyers does it take to roof a house? Depends on how
thin you slice them.
What's the difference between a tick and a lawyer? The tick drops
off after you're dead.
What separates police officers from the lowest form of life on
the earth? In the courtroom, it's the partitions around the
witness stand.
How do you greet a lawyer with an IQ of 50? "Good morning,
your honor."
What do lawyers use for birth control? Their personalities.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee? A
boxing referee doesn't get paid more for a longer fight.
Why is it dangerous for lawyers to walk onto a construction site
when plumbers are working?
What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A doberman
pinscher.
What's the difference between a porcupine and two lawyers in a
Porsche? The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
Do you know why being a lawyer is the opposite of having sex?
Because it's all bad and some is worse.
How do you know if a lawyer is well-hung? When you can't fit your
fingers between the rope and his neck.
Why does Washington, D.C. have the most lawyers and New Jersey
the most toxic waste dumps? New Jersey had first pick.
What do slime molds have more of than lawyers? Respect.
Why won't vultures eat dead lawyers? There are some things that
would gag even a vulture.
What would happen if you locked a cannibal in a room full of
lawyers? He would starve to death.
What do molds, ooze, and lawyers have in common? They're all
slime.
Why did the lawyer cross the road? He saw a car accident on the
other side.
What kind of lure must you use if you want to attract lawyers so
as to shoot them? You may use any as long as it yells every once
in a while, "I'm gonna sue!!"
Why don't hyenas eat lawyers? Even hyenas has some dignity.
What do you get when you cross a lawyer with another lawyer?
Nothing. There are some things that not even nature can permit.
Why didn't the circus clown feel so bad about his career? At
least he wasn't a lawyer.
What's the difference between pigs and lawyers? You can learn to
respect a pig.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? The lawyer
gets frequent flyer miles.
What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A
good start!
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving.
What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead
lawyer in the road? There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Why won't sharks attack lawyers? Professional courtesy.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer? An
offer you can't understand.
Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses? From chasing
parked ambulances.
Where can you find a good lawyer? In the cemetary.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo? A gigolo
only screws one person at a time.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? A vampire
only sucks blood at night.
Why do lawyers wear neckties? To keep the foreskin from crawling
up their chins.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster? When a
rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck
defiance.
How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb? Hell,
you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
It might be your bicycle.
What's the difference between lawyers and potholes? People try to
avoid hitting potholes!
Why should dead lawyers be buried 16 feet deep? Because deep down,
they're real nice people.
What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? One is a
disgusting, bottom feeding scavenger, and the other is just a
fish.
Why do lawyers carry their certification on their dashboard? So
they can park in the hanicapped parking. (they are morally
handicapped).
What are lawyers good for? They make used car salesmen look good!
Things Not to Say During Sex #1. But everybody looks funny
naked!
Things Not to Say During Sex #2. You woke me up for that?
Things Not to Say During Sex #3. Did I mention the video camera?
Things Not to Say During Sex #4. Do you smell something burning?
Things Not to Say During Sex #5. (in a janitor's closet) And they
say romance is dead...
Things Not to Say During Sex #6. Try breathing through your nose.
Things Not to Say During Sex #7. A little rug burn ever hurt
anyone!
Things Not to Say During Sex #8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
Things Not to Say During Sex #9. Sweetheart, did you lock the
back door?
Things Not to Say During Sex #10. But whipped cream makes me
break out.
Things Not to Say During Sex #11. Person 1: This is your first
time..right? Person 2: Yeah.. today
Things Not to Say During Sex #12. (in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up!
This room rents by the Hour!
Things Not to Say During Sex #13. Can you please pass me the
remote control?
Things Not to Say During Sex #14. Do you accept Visa?
Things Not to Say During Sex #15.
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Things Not to Say During Sex #16. On second thought, let's turn
off the lights.
Things Not to Say During Sex #17. And to think- I was really
trying to pick up your friend!
Things Not to Say During Sex #18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.
Things Not to Say During Sex #19. (using body paint) Try not to
leave any stains, okay?
Things Not to Say During Sex #20. Hope you're as good looking
when I'm sober...
Things Not to Say During Sex #21. (holding a banana) It's just a
little trick I learned at the zoo!
Things Not to Say During Sex #22. Do you get any premium movie
channels?
Things Not to Say During Sex #23. Try not to smear my make-up,
will ya!
Things Not to Say During Sex #24. (preparing to use peanut butter
sexually) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!
Things Not to Say During Sex #25. Got any penicillin?
Things Not to Say During Sex #26. But I just brushed my teeth...
Things Not to Say During Sex #27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
Things Not to Say During Sex #28. I thought you had the keys to
the handcuffs!
Things Not to Say During Sex #29. I want a baby!
Things Not to Say During Sex #30. So much for the fulfillment of
sexual fantasies!
Things Not to Say During Sex #31. (in a menage a trois) Why am I
doing all the work?
Things Not to Say During Sex #32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
Things Not to Say During Sex #33. Did you know the ceiling needs
painting?
Things Not to Say During Sex #34. I think you have it on
backwards.
Things Not to Say During Sex #35. When is this supposed to feel
good?
Things Not to Say During Sex #36. Put that blender back in the
kitchen where it belongs!
Things Not to Say During Sex #37. You're good enough to do this
for a living!
Things Not to Say During Sex #38. Is that blood on the headboard?
Things Not to Say During Sex #39. Did I remember to take my pill?
Things Not to Say During Sex #40. Are you sure I don't know you
from somewhere?
Things Not to Say During Sex #41. I wish we got the Playboy
channel...
Things Not to Say During Sex #42. That leak better be from the
waterbed!
Things Not to Say During Sex #43. I told you it wouldn't work
without batteries!
Things Not to Say During Sex #44. But my cat always sleeps on
that pillow..
Things Not to Say During Sex #45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha
died in this bed?
Things Not to Say During Sex #46. If you quit smoking you might
have more endurance..
Things Not to Say During Sex #47. No, really... I do this part
better myself!
Things Not to Say During Sex #48. It's nice being in bed with a
woman I don't have to inflate!
Things Not to Say During Sex #49. This would be more fun with a
few more people..
Things Not to Say During Sex #50. You're almost as good as my ex!
Things Not to Say During Sex #51. Do you know the definition of
statutory rape?
Things Not to Say During Sex #52. Is that you I smell or is it
your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
Things Not to Say During Sex #53. You look younger than you feel.
Things Not to Say During Sex #54. Perhaps you're just out of
practice.
Things Not to Say During Sex #Things Not to Say During Sex #55.
You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
Things Not to Say During Sex #56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's
just a rash.
Things Not to Say During Sex #57. Now I know why he/she dumped
you...
Things Not to Say During Sex #58. Does your husband own a sawed-off
shotgun?
Things Not to Say During Sex #59. You give me reason to conclude
that foreplay is overrated.
Things Not to Say During Sex #60. What tampon?
Things Not to Say During Sex #61. Have you ever considered
liposuction?
Things Not to Say During Sex #62. And to think, I didn't even
have to buy you dinner!
Things Not to Say During Sex #63. What are you planning to make
for breakfast?
Things Not to Say During Sex #64. I have a confession...
Things Not to Say During Sex #65. I was so horny tonight I would
have taken a duck home!
Things Not to Say During Sex #66. Are those real or am I just
behind the times?
Things Not to Say During Sex #67. Were you by any chance
repressed as a child?
Things Not to Say During Sex #68. Is that a hanging sculpture?
Things Not to Say During Sex #69. You'll still vote for me, won't
you?
Things Not to Say During Sex #70. Did I mention my transsexual
operation?
Things Not to Say During Sex #71. I really hate women who
actually think sex means something!
Things Not to Say During Sex #72. Did you come yet, dear?
Things Not to Say During Sex #73. I'll tell you who I'm
fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about...
Things Not to Say During Sex #74. A good plastic surgeon can take
care of that in no time!
Things Not to Say During Sex #75. Does this count as a date?
Things Not to Say During Sex #76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about
men like you!
Things Not to Say During Sex #77. Hic! I need another beer for
this please.
Things Not to Say During Sex #78. I think biting is romantic- don't
you?
Things Not to Say During Sex #79. Q: You can cook, too right? A:
(Whaddaya think I'm doin'?)
Things Not to Say During Sex #80. When would you like to meet my
parents?
Things Not to Say During Sex #81. Man: Maybe it would help if I
thought about someone I really like... Woman: Yourself?
Things Not to Say During Sex #82. Have you seen "Fatal
Attraction"?
Things Not to Say During Sex #83. Sorry about the name tags, I'm
not very good with names.
Things Not to Say During Sex #84. Don't mind me.. I always file
my nails in bed.
Things Not to Say During Sex #85. (in a phone booth) Do you mind
if I make a few phone calls?
Things Not to Say During Sex #86. I hope I didn't forget to turn
the gas oven off. Do you have a light?
Things Not to Say During Sex #87. Don't worry, my dog's really
friendly for a Doberman.
Things Not to Say During Sex #88. Sorry but I don't do toes!
Things Not to Say During Sex #89. You could at least ACT like you're
enjoying it!
Things Not to Say During Sex #90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum
jelly, I said NO!
Things Not to Say During Sex #91. Keep it down, my mother is a
light sleeper...
Things Not to Say During Sex #92. I'll bet you didn't know I work
for "The Enquirer".
Things Not to Say During Sex #93. So that's why they call you MR.
Flash!
Things Not to Say During Sex #94. My old girlfriend used to do it
a LOT longer!
Things Not to Say During Sex #95. Is this a sin too?
Things Not to Say During Sex #96. I've slept with more women than
Wilt Chamberlain!
Things Not to Say During Sex #97. Hey, when is it going to be my
friend's turn?
Things Not to Say During Sex #98. Long kisses clog my sinuses...
Things Not to Say During Sex #99. Please understand that I'm only
doing this for a raise...
Things Not to Say During Sex #100. How long do you plan to be
"almost there"?
Things Not to Say During Sex #101. You mean you're NOT my blind
date?
640K ought to be enough for anybody. (Bill Gates, 1981)
A computer without Windows is like a fish without a bicycle.
Air Conditioned Environment - Do not open Windows!
...and remember: WWW does not stand for "World Wide Windows"
Apples have been a problem ever since Eden.
Back in the mid to late 80's, an IBM compatible computer wasn't
considered a hundred percent compatible unless it Bang on the
left side of your computer to restart Windows.
Best file compression around: DEL *.* - 100% compressed.
Best way to accelerate Windows? Throw it harder...!
"Bother," said Poo, and deleted Windows.
But why spend $2,000.00 just to run Windows?
Buy Stacker? Why not just delete Windows?!
C:\ONGRTLNS.W95
Congratulations Windows 95
Customer: "I'm running Windows '95." Tech Support:
"Yes." Customer: "My computer isn't working now."
Tech Support: "Yes, you said that."
Difference between a virus and Windows? Viruses never fail.
Does Microsoft mean small and limp?
Double your drive space! Delete Windows!
Error #152 - Windows not found:(C)heer (P)arty (D)ance.
Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I!
Hiroshima '45 - Tschernobyl '86 - Windows '95
How do you want to crash today?
I can't use Windows. My cat ate my mouse.
I put BUGS=OFF in CONFIG.SYS and now Windows won't load!
I'll never forget the first time I ran Windows, but I'm trying.
I've been known to scrub toilets, but I don't do Windows.
if (2.0 = = 1.999999963) printf("Pentium inside!\n");
If you go to the computer store to buy a mousepad, you don't have
to specify whether it's for a Windows or a Macintosh.
It's not a virus... it's just Windows 95.
Microsoft is not the answer, it's the question and the answer is
NO.
Microsoft Windows - Who Do You Have To Blow Today?
My lastest screen-saver: Curtains for Windows.
P200 + Windows '95 = Maserati with the parking brake on.
People who think MS-DOS and Windows are the slickest thing since
sliced butter should be forced to wear a sign stating "This
mind intentionally left blank".
Prepare to destroy the Borg! Ensign, upload Windows!
Some call it Windows, others the longest batch file of the world.
Speed Kills. Use Microsoft Windows.
The best way to accelerate a PC is at 9.8 m/s^2.
The Magic of Windows: Turns a Pentium into an XT.
The number of the beast is not 666. The number is 95, and he is
awake!
This room is air-conditioned and the SUN is shining the NeXT days
-- so don't open Windows(tm).
This Virus requires Microsoft Windows...
Turn your Pentium into a Gameboy: Type WIN at C:\>
Walk through doors, don't crawl through Windows.
Welcome to hell - here's your copy of Windows.
Windows 95, brings the power of yesterday computers today.
Windows: A 80486 to 80286 conversion kit.
Windows and DOS: A turtle and its shell.
Windows IS NOT a virus... viruses do something.
Windows NT: Insert wallet into Drive A: and press any key to
empty.
Windows - the 8MB Solitaire game!
Windows: The colorful clown suit for DOS.
With Windows 3.11, we were on the edge of the cliff. With Windows
95, we made a big step forward.
You need the computing power of a P5, 16 MB RAM and 1 GB Harddisk
to run Win95. It took the computing power of 3 Commodore 64 to
fly to the Moon. Something is wrong here, and it wasn't the
Apollo.
Your mouse has moved. Windows has to reboot for changes to take
effect.
you would rather be at your IRC birthday party than out with
real people!
someone at work tells you a joke, and you say "ROTFLOL!"
you have ever had a dream about the people in your channels.
you leave the computer on just to see the mIRC logo!
you watch T.V. with closed captioning turned on.
your friend Susan tells you something sad on the phone and you
say "Awwww, /me hugs Susan.
"you've called out someone else's nick while making love to
your better half.
you keep begging your friends to get an internet account so
"we can hang out.
"three words: carpal tunnel syndrome.
you are laughing at these jokes.
you want to meet a girl and your first impulse is to turn on your
computer.
you once devoted a weekend to "working on your popups."
you sometimes go to #egypt "just to get away from it all."
when you join #mIRC everyone types "Norm!"
one time you used a feminine nick "just to mess with the
horny net geeks."
you wait for your roommates to say "re."
the words "takeover," "nick collide," and
"flood" make your heart beat faster and your hands a
little shakey.
sometimes when you type commands from a unix prompt you
mistakenly begin them with a "/"
you've ever gotten onto an airplane just to meet some folks face
to face.
you try to change your ping reply and quit message daily.
you have over 20 megs of .wav files in your mIRC directory.
you have to get a second phone line just so you can call Domino's.
your child ignores your request and you wonder if she is lagged.
you send internet Christmas cards.
you've been so anxious to get on IRC you forgot to turn your
speakers on and can't figure out why you can't hear the wavs
being played!
you have ever wondered if there is a #mIRC-anon.
you have a mIRC web page (or links to any mIRC pages on your page)
you think that this is not fantasy but real life and you plan
your whole life around IRC chat!
you've ever logged on to dalnet.
you join #hispanola "just to work on my Spanish."
when someone on the channel asks if anyone knows some good
servers, everyone else types your nick.
you join busy channels just to talk to yourself because the
scrolling makes you feel better about it somehow.
you've ever typed "drinking on irc is better than drinking
alone.
"your pregnant wife goes into labor and you stop to type a
"special" away message.
YOU go into labor and you stop to type a "special" away
message.
you have a vanity car tag with your nick on it.
you've been lagged so bad that you've switched servers so much
you can see your nicks on the channel list 3 times.
you're so excited to get on IRC you forget to turn your speakers
on and then wonder why you can't hear the wavs being played.
our manager calls you into the office on a Friday.
Every job lead at Lockheed leads to people who are always at
offsite/getting the business/CI/etc meetings
Every person you ask for job leads says;"I wish *I* had some
job leads"
People you talk to outside of Lockheed say,"You could try
company ABC. Oh, but they laid off 25% of their people 3 months
ago."
Fellow co-workers on AFR talk *seriously* about jobs at K-Mart.
People in your department greet each other with "How's the
job search?" instead of "How's it going?"
There is a 60 minutes crew at your office door.
(Applies mostly to women) You put your bra on backwards, and it
fits better.
Your ex's lawyer calls.
You wake up face-down on the sidewalk
You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold
You see the "That's Life" team waiting for you in your
office
Your twin brother forgets your birthday
You go to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and
there aren't any
You turn on the news and they're displaying emergency routes out
of your city
The woman you've been seeing on the side begins to look like your
wife or the man you've been seeing on the side begins to look
like your husband
Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles
You wake up to discover that your waterbed broke; then you
remember that you don't have a waterbed
Your horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a
group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache
Your boss tells you to not bother taking off you coat
The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard
You wake up and your braces are locked together
You walk to work and find your dress is stuck in the back of your
panty hose
You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of
your business
Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife
Your income tax check bounces
You put both contact lenses in the same eye
Your pet rock snaps at you
Your wife says "Good morning Bill", and your name is
George.
A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord.
A Supercomputer is a computer that runs an endless loop in two
seconds.
A very high phone bill indicates that your child is spending
hours communicating with other computer users via modem -not
necessarily an illegal activity. It's the very low phone bills
that you should watch for.
All computers wait at the same speed.
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
Asking if computers can think is like asking if submarines can
swim.
BorgDOS v6.0 - Assimilate Another [Y/n]?
BREAKFAST.COM halted - cereal port not responding
CCITT: Can't Conceive Intelligent Thoughts Today
Computers are like Old Testaments gods. Lots of rules and no
mercy.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
Computers are only human.
Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. (Pablo
Picasso)
Daddy, what does FORMATTING DRIVE C mean?
Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
DOS Human Interface Guidelines (part I, II and III):
A new line will be added to the bottom of the screen.
Hi! I'm a shareware signature! Send $5 if you use me, send $10
for manual!
I em a wuunderfull spelur. I tipe vari gud two.
I finally found the ANY key!
I think there is a world market for maybe five computers. (Thomas
Watson, Chairman of IBM, 1943)
If Old McDonald had a computer, would it use Eee-aye-eee I/O?
If the auto industry were like the computer industry, a car would
now cost $50, would get 500 mpg, and at a random time would
explode, killing all passengers.
Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Is it an UFO? No, it's a 136-speed
CD-rom!
Lyall's Conjecture: If a computer cable has one end, then it has
another.
Microsecond: The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer
to become obsolete.
My computer is below sea level, but it is not wet... (Rene G.A.
Ros from Iceland)
No matter how much data you add to your laptop, it will not get
heavier.
REALITY.SYS corrupted. Reboot UNIVERSE [Y/n]?
!retupmoc siht edisni deppart ma I !pleH
Smith & Wesson: The original point-and-click interface.
Software suppliers are trying to make their software packages
more "user-friendly"... Their best approach, so far has
been to take all the old brochures, and stamp the words "user-friendly"
on the cover.
The faster your computer, the longer it has to wait for you...
The most important question when any new computer architecture is
introduced is "So what?"
The Original Multitasker: Two PCs and a chair with wheels!
There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home. (Ken
Olson, president, chairman and founder of DEC, 1977)
They say a computer is a "stupid" thing.If so: how
about the user of it?
When you get to the point where you really understand your
computer, it's probably obsolete.
Will Micro$oft go bankrupt in 1901 because of the Year 2000
Problem?
You don't have conversations with microprocessors. You tell them
what to do, then helplessly watch the disaster when they take you
literally! (David Brin)
Your brain knows a hell of a lot more about networking than you
do.
(A)bort, (R)etry, (Q)UAKE?
A mistake is human, but you need a computer to make a mess of it.
Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!
And the RESET button lets you re-run AUTOEXEC.BAT
Apathy Error: Don't bother striking any key.
Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic
Backups? We doan *NEED* no steenking baX%^~,VbKx NO CARRIER
But I DID read the manual...
But I thought YOU did the backups...
Buy a Pentium. It can reboot faster...
Capt'n! The spellchecker kinna take this abuse!
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
Do bl Sp ce is a v ry saf me hod of driv compr s ion.
Error 13: Illegal brain function. User Terminated.
Error: No Keyboard - press F1 to continue.
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
File not found, I'll load something *I* think is interesting.
Gotta run, the cat's caught in the printer.
hAS ANYONE SEEN MY cAPSLOCK KEY?
Hit any user to continue.
If your computer says, "Printer out of Paper," this
problem cannot be resolved by continuously clicking the "OK"
button.
In the future:
PC: "Are you sure you want to delete?"
User: "Well, I don't know. What do you think?"
Is your computer possesed? Use DEVICE=EXOR.SYS
It said "Insert Disk #3", but only two will fit!
Mouse not found! Click OK to continue!
My computer isn't that nervous... it's just a bit ANSI.
My configuration? A head, two arms and hands, two leggs...
NOT A VALID CENTURY
On a clear disk you can seek forever.
Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
PENTIUM - Produces Enormous Numbers Through Incorrect
Understanding of Mathematics
Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
Press [ESC] to detonate, or any other key to explode
Printers generate errors. Errors you've never seen on screen
suddenly appear on paper.
(R)etry (R)eset
RTFM: Read the fucking manual!
SENILE.COM found... Out Of Memory...
shift key/ never heard of it1111
Somethingswrongwithmyspacebar
Stack Error: Lost on a cluttered desk...
Th vwls n m kbrd dn't wrk vry wll, d thy??
This computer will self-destruct in five minutes.
What does 'erasing of hard drive in progress' mean?
When all else fails, read the instructions.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my disk?
WYTYSYDG - What you thought you saw, you didn't get.
2400 Baud makes you want to get out and push!
A much wittier reply came to mind immediately after I clicked the
"Send" button.
America Online: a major supplier of free disks to those who do
not pay money to them.
Beam me up... arrgh, no carrier!
Confuse people... Quote from the WRONG message!
Did anyone see my lost carrier?
I want an Internet. Can I have one of those? (Spice Girl Mel B.,
pointing to a monitor during an AOL press conference)
I'm another road kill on the Information Superhighway.
If cookies were made with chocolate I would accept them always.
Internet Lie #1: Doom? Never heard of it.
Misspelled? Impossible. My modem is error correcting.
Not tonight honey. I have a modem.
Please tell me if you don't get this message...
Some years ago we had slow computers and time enough to drink a
lot of coffee. Today we have the Internet and once more time
enough for coffee. I think, Bill Gates should buy coffee plants...
Surfing the Internet finally allows me to read a good book...
The name is Baud... James Baud.
The secret of the universe is @*&¡!"¤^#+ NO CARRIER
This message transmitted on 100% recycled electrons.
Waking up the NSA watchers: SIGINT BALLISTIC TELSAT KGB GRU LIBYA
SAM ATTACK GRAIL IRA PLASTIQUE KENNEDY SPACE CENTER LUMINOSO
TRAINING BGS GRANATWERFER
We DON'T care. We don't HAVE to. We're the phone company.
You're not putting that Information Superhighway through my front
room!
Your e-mail has been returned due to insufficient voltage.
You Say: Hi, how do you feel today? They Say: Fine. You Say: I
asked how you felt, not how you look!
Is it hot in here, or is it just you?
If I told you you had a beautiful body/chest, would you hold it
against me?
Give Out Cards Or Where A Pin That Says... Smile if you want to
sleep with me. ...And Watch The Girls/Guys Try To Hold Back Their
Smiles!
You look like the type of girl who's heard every line in the book...so
what's one more?
For All You Computer Lovers, Try:
Do you want to come see my hard drive? I promise it isn't 3.5
inches and it ain't floppy.
You make my software turn into hardware.
Give Out Cards That Say: Front: 1 2 3 4 Pick A Number Back: Sex
Maniacs Always Pick 3. You Wouldn't Believe How Many People Pick
3!!!
That's a nice dress...could I talk you out of it?
If I could rewrite the alphabet, I would put U and I together/I
would put U in between F and CK.
Go Up To A Girl/Guy, Lick Your Finger And Touch Her/Him On The
Shoulder, Then Say: How about going back to my place so you can
get out of those wet clothes.
Why don't you come sit on my lap, and we'll talk about the first
thing that pops up?
Give Out Cards That Say: Here I am madly in love with you, on the
verge of killing myself for your love, and I don't even know your
NAME__________ PHONE__________.
You Say: Do you know what would look absolutely terrific on you?
They Say: No, what? You Say: Me!!!
Sex is a killer...want to die happy?
I looked up beautiful in the Thesaurus today and your name was
included.
You Say: Do you have any Irish/German/Spanish/Italian/etc. in you?
They Say: No. You Say: Well, do you want some?
Was your dad a king for a day? He must have been to make a
princess like you.
How was heaven when you left?
You Say: Do you have a fever? They Say: No, why? You Say: 'Cause
you look pretty hot from here.
I like your legs so much I'm going to name them. This one is
Christmas and this one is New Years. Can I see you in between the
holidays?
Do you believe in love at first sight...or do I have to walk by
again?
Pardon me, I seem to have lost my phone number. Can I borrow
yours?
You Say: Are your legs tired? They Say: No, why? You Say: 'Cause
you've been running through my mind all night!
This One's For Us Guys Only. Sorry Girls!!! Hold Up The First Two
Fingers On One Hand And Say: You Say: Do you know why you should
use these two fingers to masturbate? She Says: No, why? You Say:
Because they're mine!
I'm new in town, can you give me directions to your apartment?
You Say: Do you have a map? They Say: No, why? You Say: Because I
keep getting lost in your eyes.
Sit on my lap and let's get things straight between us.
Say This To Someone Who Just Got Out Of The Shower: Can I borrow
your towel?
I'm not looking for a relationship, I'm looking for an experience.
You Say: Hi, do you want to have my children? They Say: No. You
Say: Okay, then can we just practice?
If you've lost your virginity, can I have the box it came in?
That dress looks good on you, but it would look better on my
bedroom floor.
If you are what you eat, I could be you by morning.
If You Spot Someone Waiting In A Restaurant/Theater/Club/etc. For
Someone, Go Up To Them And Say: If he/she doesn't show up, I'll
be right over here.
You Say: Would you sleep with me for 20 million dollars? They Say:
Yes. You Say: Well then, would you sleep with me for 20 cents.
They Say: No, what kind of person do you think I am? You Say: We've
already established that, we're just haggling over the price.
Here's Another One Just For Us Guys To Use: Motion Your Finger To
A Girl To Get Her To Come Your Way. When She Arrives Say: I just
made you come with one finger, imagine what I could do with the
rest of my body!!!
They Say: What do you think of this dress/suit? You Say: I like
nothing better.
You Say: Do you sleep on your stomach? They Say: No. You Say: Can
I?
That's a nice smile you've got, it's a shame it's not all you're
wearing!
I love every bone in your body. Especially mine!
You are the reason men/women fall in love.
Are you free tonight, or will it cost me?
You know you might be asked to leave soon, you're making the
other women/men look bad.
Screw me if I'm wrong, but you want to kiss me don't you?
Did you hurt yourself when you fell from heaven?
Look At The Tag On The Back Of A Girls/Guys Shirt. When She/He
Asks You What You Are Doing Say: Just checking to see if you were
made in heaven.
Hey baby, are you wearing space underwear/bra tonight? Because
your ass/chest is out of this world!
You Say: Excuse me, do you have a quarter I can borrow? They Say:
What for? You Say: I told my mother I would call her when I fell
in love with the girl/guy of my dreams!
You Say: Do you have mirrors in your pockets? They Say: No, why?
You Say: Because I can see myself in your pants!
I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
All those curves, and me with no breaks.
Excuse me, do you mind if I stare at you for a minute? I want to
remember your face for my dreams.
Voulez-vous vous coucher avec moi ce soir? (Would you like to go
to bed with me tonight?)
I hope the word of the day is legs, because I would sure like to
spread the word.
Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the
sky and put them in your eyes!
Your daddy must be a baker, 'cause you've got a nice set of buns.
You Say: Do you know the essential difference between sex and
conversation? They Say: No, why? You Say: Wanna go upstairs and
talk?
You Say: Hi, how about I buy you and pizza, then we go have sex?
They Say: HEY!!! You Say: What's wrong, don't you like pizza?
And One More For Guys Only: You Say: Do you mind if I ask you a
personal question? Have you ever had your belly-button licked?
She Says: Yes. You Say: From the inside?
I know milk does a body good, but DAMN...How much have you been
drinking?